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I am going to tell you about the most bad ass, ruthless, frightening, and unnaturally brutal lifeforms in the entire galaxy; but first, let me tell you about the Imma Degens.
You see, generations ago, the Imma Degen were a very different breed. They were the most technologically advanced civilization in the entire galaxy, and their home planet, Imma, was the center of galactic trade. The Imma Degens were the gatekeepers of the trade world, brokering trade deals between planets, negotiating peace treaties with warring civilizations, and establishing a galactic currency that allowed anyone with the means to connect to the GWW to trade remotely for free (yes, the G stands for galaxy, for that one guy who’s going to ask. You know who you are). Things were looking pretty good for the Imma Degens.
So, what in the hell happened?
The Minerians came along, that’s what happened (no they aren’t the bad asses, don’t rush me). The Minerians showed up on Imma one day with a proposal. They offered to take care of all the day to day running of the planet and tech, in exchange for a small fee on transactions using the galactic trade network. They offered to do everything, so the Imma Degens could focus on innovation and growth. For a while, this was the perfect symbiotic relationship. The Minerians took care of every menial task, while the Imma Degen worked on strengthening the economy and coming up with better ideas and solutions to help the galaxy thrive. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. Then the Imma Degen had children.
Now, we could take the time here to explain to you exactly how the Imma Degen breed, but I’m not so sure you are ready for that. I know for some, this may be the most important question there is to answer, but for now, I’ll just let you use your imagination.
Where was I? Oh yeah, children. So, the Imma Degen had children, those children had children, then those children had children; you get the picture. Generation after generation of Imma Degen were raised not having to do anything for themselves, as the Minerians took care of everything. Which brings us to the Imma Degens of today. The modern Imma Degen are very different from their ancestors. They’ve spent their entire lives never having to do anything that resembles work. They spend their days playing video games, creating coins to pump on the galactic trade network, looking for “cool shit” they can snipe from other planets, and watching shows from a planet that refers to itself as Earth.
Out of all the planets in the entire galaxy, the Imma Degen think that Earth has the dopest shows.
One day, while trying to find something good to ape into, the unofficial leader of the Imma Degens, Primo Degeno, spotted something he hadn’t seen before. On a remote planet on the edge of the galaxy, he saw something that he absolutely had to have. It was a lifeform he had never seen before. It was the most uncannily adorable thing he had ever seen.
“Bros!” he shouted, which was Imma Degen for “Come take a look at this shit right here!”
Everyone piled around the monitor and stared in awe.
“I want it.”
Primo Degeno stated, which is Imma Degen for “I want it.”
An entire planet of Imma Degens and the Minerians piled into their spacecrafts and set course for the distant planet immediately. As soon as they arrived, Primo Degeno got up from his chair, a feat that happened so rarely, it caused both the Imma Degens and the Minerians to gasp. “Release the kraken!” he exclaimed, which isn’t really Imma Degen for anything, but he saw it on a show once and thought it sounded like something kickass to say. No one knew what he was talking about, but they cheered and applauded anyway.
The Minerians piled out of the ships and began their search for this eerily cute alien species. Primo Degeno and the rest of the Degens watched on the monitor as the Minerians searched for the elusive lifeforms with zero luck. Out of nowhere, a single, amazingly adorable lifeform walked in front of one of the Minerian search parties. They all stared in awe at its cuteness. The mysterious lifeform blinked its eyes a couple of times and blushed. The sound of Imma Degens cooing in unison echoed out from multiple spacecraft. Then the freakishly adorable creature opened its mouth and uttered a single phrase.
“You about to get rekt.”
Seemingly out of nowhere, waves of the creatures leapt out and started shredding the Minerians to pieces. Some were armed with weapons, some used their insanely cute little bare hands, and others just up and started eating them (Yep you guessed it. These are the bad asses I was referring to). It was brutality on a level the Imma Degen had never seen before. Then, out of nowhere, cloaking devices dropped to reveal an entire army of these darling little psychopaths standing before the ships. They were armed. They had high tech weapons. They were so fucking precious.
Primo Degeno shouted out “It’s a trap!” which also isn’t Imma Degen for anything but seemed fitting. He watched as the army began boarding ships and decimating the Degens. A shot from some distant cannon came out of nowhere and destroyed the ship next to his. It was at this moment Primo Degeno had to do something to save his people. Or himself. Okay, mainly himself, but if he could get some of his people out of there too, he would consider that a win.
He got up out of his chair, again, and walked over to the ship’s controls. The Degens aboard his craft cheered at the effort he was putting forth. He looked at the complex series of buttons, levers, and controls and that’s when a great realization washed over him. He had no fucking clue how any of this shit worked. So, he did what any good leader would do; he began pushing all the buttons, pulling levers, and turning knobs. In a stroke of luck, the ship lifted off and left the planet.All that excitement was to much for the remaining Imma Degens, so they took a nap. It wasn’t until the warning signal in the ship went off, that they awoke.
Primo Degeno looked at the monitor. They were about to crash into a planet. He thought briefly about getting up out of the chair again, but he didn’t want to make too much of a habit out of it. Instead, he buckled in and noticed a communication message from one of the other Imma Degen vessels. He opened the channel and what he saw made him squeak briefly, then filled him with horror. It was one of those lifeforms, and maybe the most epically adorable one yet. The words of the creature terrified him as they crashed into the planet.
“You can’t run from us, you bunch of stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herders!
The WynLambo are coming for you.”
As it turns out, the WynLambo are fans of Earth shows too.
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