Primo Degeno stared at his favorite chair in disbelief. It was completely intact; it had just fallen over. That was completely unacceptable to Primo, however. Chairs are supposed to be upright, and once that had changed, there’d be no going back. The other Imma Degens stood around Primo in silence, still a bit shaken from the crash landing. They were partially saddened by the loss of their unofficial leader’s chair, partially confused about what to do next, but they were mostly in awe because none of them had witnessed him standing for such a long period of time.
Primo turned to face the other Imma Degens. He could tell by the look in each of their faces, that they were looking to him for answers. Maybe they were just looking at him because they had nothing better to do, but he was just going to assume it was because they needed him. He knew in that moment what he had to do. He looked at them all for a long moment, mainly for dramatic effect. Then he opened his mouth slowly and spoke a single word.
The others cheered.
The sea of Imma Degen parted, leaving a path for Primo to make his way to the DiCaprionator.
Now would probably be a good time to explain the DiCapirionator. You see, the Imma Degen have had quite an obsession with DiCaprio since “The Wolf of Wall Street” came out. Prior to that, it was Michael Douglas from Wall Street. Back then, it was the Douglasotron. At any rate, whenever the Imma Degen are unsure of what to do next, they consult the DiCaprionator and use the advice given, in the form of a movie quote, to drive what they do next. These decisions have never really been helpful or panned out in any sort of productive way, mind you, nor do they usually make any sense. Let’s continue.
Primo Degeno walked up to the Dicaprionator and placed his hand upon it. He bowed his head as the Dicaprionator cycled through movie clips, as was the tradition when using the machine. The rest of the Imma Degen followed suit. Finally, the Dicaprionator settled on the perfect quote for the situation at hand.
“I will not die sober!”
Of all the quotes that the Dicaprionator had ever spit out, this was probably the most relevant one to have ever appeared. The WynLambo were coming, and it was only a matter of time until they knew they would have to face off against these cute and ruthless little monsters. Who in the hell would want to do that sober?
Primo turned to face the rest of his crew.
The next few hours were historic for the Imma Degen. A race that had once been notorious for not doing anything for themselves suddenly sprang into action, and intoxication. They figured out how to use a few of the mechanisms on the ship. Primo figured out how to send probes and naturally sent the first one to Uranus. They reinstated their official planetary sport, Saucer (it’s kind of like frisbee. No, it’s exactly like frisbee). They danced. They sang. They got wasted.
After a while of pushing random buttons on the console to figure out how they worked, Primo found out where they had crash landed exactly. They were on Earth. The planet of cocaine and hookers. The planet of Dicaprio. The planet of Earth’s mightiest heroes. It was then that he knew what they must do.
“Nobody puts Baby in a corner,”
he stated, which is Imma Degen for “Okay listen up! We are on Earth! How fucking awesome is that? Here’s what we need to do! We need to try and fit in with the…Earthers? Earth people? Earthlings? Earthites? Whatever, it doesn’t matter, just find some stuff and try to look normal. We need to find these people as fast as possible, so we don’t get rekt by these Wyn Lambo. We need Rambo, Neo, Ripley, John Wick, Sarah Connor, that guy from The Transporter, King Leonidas, Wolverine, Batman, John McClaine and Robocop. Anyone else you can find, that’s cool too, but that I think that would be a good place to start. While you do that, I will find their leader.”
In the Imma Degen translation of the phrase, there is also a long dramatic pause.
“I will find DiCaprio.”